I Don't Know
It's one of those moments where I feel like letting my heart out out to you. I mean I don't know. I don't what to feel, what to think or what to do. I just, yeah, I just don't know anything. I know fact but that's not what we are talking about here. Totally different subject.
I mean, you see, I never really wanted to to to the school I am going to. Okay there was a brief moment. I just applied to it because I felt like I didn't know what else to do if I'd stayed in Sweden this fall doing whatever. Before that, even when I was applying to all the different schools here in the U.S., I was uncertain if I wanted to continue to study. "Is that really what I want to do?" then came "If, you don't what then?" and also "Are you sure you can achieve everything you want with out it?". Plus, there was that feeling that I was compelled to go to school, by society and all that shit. 'Cause you know you are kind of looked down on if you don't have a degree of some sort and just end up working as a dishwasher, or at Mickey D's for the rest of your life. You know. That's not really what I want. I wan't something for myself. Something to be proud of.
If I stay here and go to school and get myself a degree, I know that I won't regret it. I will be proud of myself for sticking through with it but I don't know is that what I really want. Yes, oh my gosh. I don't mean "Yes" as in that's what I want I mean it as in that would be so cool. And, oh my gosh, I know it's so weird of me to question all of this but maybe not. Coming here has ben stressful, I mean the last month has been. The best thing about being here is that I get to travel. I get to discover another part of the world, I mean how awesome isn't that! Alot of people my age don't get this kind of opportunity. So I should be really grateful (but to who or to what?). Maybe, I sound like the biggest brat ever since this was all I ever talked about for so long. All I could talk about but you know what they say "It's easier said than done".
It's not like I am going to drop out if I deiced to not come back next semester. I am going to take the semester of, a leave of absence or whatever it's called. I don't know. I just wish I could get some real advice on what do to. Better yet, someone to make the decision for me. That would be so good, but that I have to be okay with the decision. I have to be able to stand tall and proudly say "This is what I, Erika, want (even tough I didn't make the decision)". Okay, scratch that last part because the kind of say "if all of this blows, don't blame me".
But seriously, it's really hard getting in to this country. No maybe, I got in pretty easily. I just mean that the process is hard and long. You can't just walk over the border and say "Yo, I am gonna stay here now.". It doesn't work that way. It's so cool that when I watch New Girl, The Big Bang Theory and all of those other shows that they are shooting them just two hours away. In the same country, the same part of the world. The same state even. That is a pretty cool feeling. They are just two hours away from being stalked by me. In Sweden, well, they are two far away then. They are not within a practical distance. They are far. When I saw For a Good Time, Call this weekend I got that feeling how awesome it would be to live here (not in Santa Barbara), New Work or maybe LA.
Aaaaaa. I get so I-don't-know that I just want to run around in a circle or like a hamster in a hamster wheel. But what affect is that going to have. Sometimes I feel like I need to hold back the tears because I get so frustrated. I just feel like nothing is going to do any good. I know that I have to work if I go back home. I could still go to school and get money from CSN and that way I don't need to work. Do I really want to go to school? What do I want.
your writer, Erika
I mean, you see, I never really wanted to to to the school I am going to. Okay there was a brief moment. I just applied to it because I felt like I didn't know what else to do if I'd stayed in Sweden this fall doing whatever. Before that, even when I was applying to all the different schools here in the U.S., I was uncertain if I wanted to continue to study. "Is that really what I want to do?" then came "If, you don't what then?" and also "Are you sure you can achieve everything you want with out it?". Plus, there was that feeling that I was compelled to go to school, by society and all that shit. 'Cause you know you are kind of looked down on if you don't have a degree of some sort and just end up working as a dishwasher, or at Mickey D's for the rest of your life. You know. That's not really what I want. I wan't something for myself. Something to be proud of.
If I stay here and go to school and get myself a degree, I know that I won't regret it. I will be proud of myself for sticking through with it but I don't know is that what I really want. Yes, oh my gosh. I don't mean "Yes" as in that's what I want I mean it as in that would be so cool. And, oh my gosh, I know it's so weird of me to question all of this but maybe not. Coming here has ben stressful, I mean the last month has been. The best thing about being here is that I get to travel. I get to discover another part of the world, I mean how awesome isn't that! Alot of people my age don't get this kind of opportunity. So I should be really grateful (but to who or to what?). Maybe, I sound like the biggest brat ever since this was all I ever talked about for so long. All I could talk about but you know what they say "It's easier said than done".
It's not like I am going to drop out if I deiced to not come back next semester. I am going to take the semester of, a leave of absence or whatever it's called. I don't know. I just wish I could get some real advice on what do to. Better yet, someone to make the decision for me. That would be so good, but that I have to be okay with the decision. I have to be able to stand tall and proudly say "This is what I, Erika, want (even tough I didn't make the decision)". Okay, scratch that last part because the kind of say "if all of this blows, don't blame me".
But seriously, it's really hard getting in to this country. No maybe, I got in pretty easily. I just mean that the process is hard and long. You can't just walk over the border and say "Yo, I am gonna stay here now.". It doesn't work that way. It's so cool that when I watch New Girl, The Big Bang Theory and all of those other shows that they are shooting them just two hours away. In the same country, the same part of the world. The same state even. That is a pretty cool feeling. They are just two hours away from being stalked by me. In Sweden, well, they are two far away then. They are not within a practical distance. They are far. When I saw For a Good Time, Call this weekend I got that feeling how awesome it would be to live here (not in Santa Barbara), New Work or maybe LA.
Aaaaaa. I get so I-don't-know that I just want to run around in a circle or like a hamster in a hamster wheel. But what affect is that going to have. Sometimes I feel like I need to hold back the tears because I get so frustrated. I just feel like nothing is going to do any good. I know that I have to work if I go back home. I could still go to school and get money from CSN and that way I don't need to work. Do I really want to go to school? What do I want.
your writer, Erika
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